We’ve been on a roller coaster ride the last couple of years. Instead of putting it all out there at once, I’m going to split the details up over a few posts.
My dedication to my family was really tested during this time. I was laid off from a company that allowed me to live my best life. I had competent, caring co-workers that provided excellent work coverage so that vacation time was truly an escape from the rat race. There was nothing to “catch up” on when returning from a weekend trip to Vegas. Which, we did a lot back then. We had created a work family that respected each other and truly cared for one another. I was all set to retire from this company in ten years. A larger company came along and bought my little piece of paradise taking away my security blanket. And my work family was shattered. Some retired, some stayed to the very end, and I like most, moved on rather quickly. We don’t talk much anymore, but I know we all still want the very best for each other.
I was able to land a work from home job with another company in the same industry. I felt like God was telling me this was the path to take. It was challenging right from the beginning, which had me questioning my decision and my faith. Why would God put me in a place that caused me so much stress and unhappiness? I didn’t want to fail and I really felt God put me there for a reason, so I toughened up and created a routine that reduced my anxiety.
I enjoyed working from home. I became very low maintenance barely wearing makeup or washing my hair. Leggings and t-shirts became my new work attire. I was struggling to leave the house most days. The demanding deadlines of my job made it difficult, but where was I going to go? There was no commute, I had access to a full kitchen so there was no need to go to lunch. Paul would often come home from work asking if I left the house that day. I literally would not leave the house for days. I was becoming a hermit. I needed to come up with a new routine to get human interaction, then COVID hit.
Life became unbearable for some but, I loved it. There was no pressure to change my routine, because now I couldn’t go anywhere. And, I was not alone, my best friend (Paul) was with me 24/7. COVID made us stronger as a couple. We cooked, played cards, and binge watched tv. I was in a good place. I started thinking, maybe this is why God set me on this path.
Work became more demanding. Along with the multiple daily deadlines, I was working every other weekend. I was part of a small group, so when someone wanted time off, it meant you were either overwhelmed with the extra workload, or you were stressing about everything you would have to do when you went back to work. My nerves were shot, but I was managing. Or at least I thought I was. There was a huge winter storm that rolled through in 2021. I worked twelve hour days for a week. Paul had to take care of me. He would just pop into my office throughout the day with food and to make sure I was okay. I was so thankful he was there. Although this storm was devastating for many companies, some companies received financial windfalls. There were talks of huge bonuses for employees at my job. Is this why I was on this path?
It was a crazy time, and I was trying to figure out my new normal. During this time, Paul and Jacob got sick. Not with COVID, but with two completely different illnesses. I’ll go into details about those later, but juggling work and family was not working for me. And unfortunately at times I put my family on the back burner. That was not ok. I was not ok. How could I do this to them. I was always there for them, but I wasn’t present. As strong as I think that I am, I wasn’t strong enough to do both. I had to let something go, so I retired last year.
That was never the plan. Paul was supposed to retire first. Looking back, I was hanging on by a thread emotionally and something needed to change. But what was I going to do without a job? Who was I going to become? I did receive a great bonus from my company which made it easier to let go and jump into the unknown, but it wasn’t retirement money. Paul and I talked about this and we both decided this could work. And our plan was if either one of us wasn’t working, the other would manage the household.
I had to deprogram myself for the first few months after retiring. I was so used to watching the clock every minute of the day. I was in a constant state of panic and rushed around doing simple tasks. I had limited times throughout the day to complete errands or chores while I was working and that carried over for a while. I would zip around in the grocery store irritated with everyone. Seriously, why are they so slow. I finally had to put myself in check. I was putting laundry away one day, and was just so grumpy and anxious, cursing under my breath because Paul’s socks were inside out. A voice inside my head said, “Girl, chill out what else do you have to do today.” And just like that a light bulb went on. That was my job for the whole day. Not a task that needed to be done in between deadlines. I’ve had to remind myself to relax multiple times since then, but this is a job that I am happy to have. I am a chef, laundress, personal shopper and at times a Bossy Builder. I’ve questioned my life choices a few times as I’m shoveling snow, but I’d rather be out in the storm clearing paths for my family then working twelve hour days building walls that shut them out.
Jacob’s health issues got a lot worse after I retired. We had to go to hospitals or out of town at the drop of a hat and I was able to do that easily without a job. I didn’t have to check with someone to make sure it was ok. There was no guilt for leaving a co-worker in a bind. I was able to focus on him and what he needed. He is doing awesome now and I am grateful that God answers prayers. I don’t know where my path is going to end up, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.
Chaos & Roadies 